He asked if I was hurt by what he’d said.
Unable to give a straight answer, I said we’d better go back to friends and tried to repress my hurt with “positive” words that I didn’t know if I really meant.
When the person who gave you so much happiness, suddenly tells you that he isn’t sure of you, you feel like a drug addict who was told the supply would stop.
I knew I didn’t want to do the same as I would have used to, which is to find another connection to distract me from my pain. So I turned to the internet, looking for answers to stop the bleeding. I read through content that offered some promising advice.
Like: “The way to get over someone is the same as the way to getting them back, by no contact, and making that person feel like they had lost you.”
Like: “The way to get over someone is to focus on self growth, so you don’t surround yourself with negativity and fill yourself with a sense of achievement instead.”
I had tried a bit of both, and didn’t feel inspired.
Somehow, I wasn’t fully convinced. They seemed to rely too much on taking our minds off the person I simply couldn’t take my mind off of.
Last night, I was speaking to a friend whom I admired a lot for her good humor and openness.
We were talking about marriage, and I asked what the benefits were of love and commitment to her. She felt marriage made her selfless. She was willing to sacrifice her own happiness for another because of the commitment she made, and because of that she also reaped the benefits of being happy when the other person was happy.
It was a sharing of emotions and responsibilities as two people become one unit.
And it struck me.
If I really loved someone, it would not satisfy me that I either make him feel like I am better off without him, or I do not care for him. It’s what bugged me about those advices.
These ways come from a place of selfishness.
And the way to truly get over someone, is to be selfless.
He was struggling to figure out if he really had feelings for me. Of course that hurt. But it doesn’t mean that I don’t know how I feel. I am sure that I care for him very deeply. So it was very unnatural to pull that root of care out of my heart, it would not only make me feel even more hurt but also breed a terrible feeling of hate.
If I really care for him, then I would reap the benefits of his happiness. I would sacrifice my own wishes to be with him, so that he would feel comfortable with himself and with us.
What I needed to do is to be there for the person I want to get over. I should be vulnerable to him without pressuring him with my insecurities.
In the end, I am not getting over him. I am getting over myself, my needs and my desires, by respecting him, his needs and his desires.
With that, I felt at peace.